There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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