i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
