i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
