My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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