They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
