If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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