apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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