i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
