Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
