I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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