I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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