sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize