my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
