I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
