you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
