dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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