if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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