I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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