i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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