Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
...so i touched it.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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