I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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