when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
