Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
