Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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