How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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