Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
