that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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