I am spending my child support on dildos
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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