I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
