Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My vagina is very pro this idea
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
