Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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