no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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