plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
