i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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