Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
