I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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