Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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