yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize