I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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