I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
