I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize