Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize