you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
