but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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