i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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