dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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