my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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