Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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