dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
