my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Come on in and take your pants off
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