Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
