i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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