I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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