guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
