Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
