i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
