I just pynch a tree in the face
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
