I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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