Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize