ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
