I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
