My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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