My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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