my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
