Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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