3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
