there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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