Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
