Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
