My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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